Tumble-Bee.

Ctrl+Alt +Del

We’re human. We take some, we lose some. Basically, we make good and bad decisions depending on the situation, some of which outweigh the other. In turn, this determines consequences which can either benefit or harm us based on how we perceive it. Sure, it sounds like I’m approaching this from a logical perspective, but people tend to overlook what’s “easily” understood. They take it for granted. Just some food for thought.

If you’re reading this and wondering what point I’m trying to get across, I would like to just speak my mind and give myself some room to breathe. I think it’s safe to say I’ve gone through a lot this year. At first, I thought I was content with life as a typical college student trudging through semesters trying to finish his bachelor’s degree. Then, some event allows me to leave my comfort zone that I’ve been engulfed in for almost my entire life. Altogether, it was a new experience; I had nothing to lose, and like anything else I put my heart and soul into it. It’s like that inner drive that you first experience as child, like when you receive a gift from someone and it gets you excited. I won’t go so deep into it, but I traveled into a new country. I didn’t even know where to begin. I must have asked myself fifty times these stupid questions: “Am I going to die here? Are my relatives going to talk shit behind my back? Do I really want to do this?” I can tell you right now that I felt my nerves go into a state of shock while I was isolated on that twelve hour bus ride. But the thrill was there, I was having fun. It’s a funny thought, and I really didn’t care if I died if it came down to it. I just wanted to say I tried something new and lived to say I did it. I guess I just an optimistic person and shit like that doesn’t stop me. I really never left my family, too. They knew where I was and I’m really grateful for them to allow me to do whatever I wanted. They never stopped me with anything to begin with, and even in the past I had absolutely no reason to abuse what they’ve allowed me. I think this is why I’ve become the person I truly wanted to be.
Lately though, I’ve started to realize that I’m actually… failing myself. This change in my life was amazing, but it ended up being short-lived. I’ll be blunt and straightforward: no one is to blame. Why? Because we’re human. Shit happens, and if you fight against the tide you’ll end up trying to find a stupid excuse to point a finger at someone. That’s why drama exists. If you’ve managed to read up to this point and dealt with my rambling, I’m glad. Happiness is what I’d like to call a double-edged sword. You’d be naïve to settle on the fact it’s ONLY good things in your life. It’s actually both because if you can’t deal with the lows, you honestly don’t deserve the highs. Weaknesses become strengths only if you’re willing to deal with it and see it through. And me? Of course I’m guilty about something like this, and so is everyone. They just don’t admit it because it makes them look “weak.” But if there’s anyone you should be doing it for, it should be for your own self. This was the main reason why I started writing down my thoughts like this: I failed myself in this aspect. I’m suffering now because I can’t deal with a loss that meant so much to me. Can you really live on some pursuit of happiness if you don’t know a thing? This isn’t some fucking Weeknd song. Don’t pursue it, rather live that state of “happiness”, it’s been always there by your side. And I know it exists because I saw it in your actions, so don’t even bother denying it. What you saw in me was the most real person I could ever be. I had no regrets and I still have no regrets.

If there was some kind of way life was programmed with an equivalence of the “Ctrl+Alt+Delete” feature, I think I’d opt to give it a shot. You know when your computer goes haywire, and the only way to maybe save it is to just shut down a process? I could wish the real world was like that. It doesn’t change the past, maybe it just adds to some temporary stability. Going back to this whole post, I don’t know why I’m lost for words. Maybe there’s just nothing else to say. Ever since that silence period kicked in, I think it made me assume a turn for the worst. From that day on, it had some adverse effect on me that I never expected. I thought I knew myself and was mentally prepared. It’s just that it seems so much more painful when everything’s put on the line. I just became some angry and reckless person inside, and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I guess the only thing ahead of me now is a road of recovery, which I started to only feel since yesterday. I’m enjoying the company of old friends and family for once, and they’ve reminded me how they never left my side. I’m really glad to have people like that in my life.

If there’s anything I could ask for now, I wish I knew a bit more; something that could also get you going in the right direction and “happy” in a proper sense. Cold as you’ve become with a situation that was probably unavoidable, who am I to say where we’ve gone wrong? We first started as something that looked impractical from the start, but we made it work somehow. Anything was possible back then, and it was pretty remarkable to see how far it came. Smile : )